Rubbing Minds: Is it okay for a man to marry an older lady

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Traditionally, it is very rare for a young man to be married to an older woman in our society. Even with the recent change in equality for men and women, young men who seem to want to marry an older woman is mostly given a side eye.

It is no secret that people find it odd when a young man is married to an older woman, which is still unclear why it is perceived so.

Psychological, people who love the same things are always attracted to each other and the same can happen with a young man and an older woman.

Nicole McCance, a relationship psychologist stated that “Women who are fun-loving and have lots of energy are attracted to younger men because they’re a great match.

The draw is to feel young, she said “When men marry younger women, it’s tied to ego and self-worth”.

I do agree with Ms. McCance, most men feel the need for a younger wife in a bid to feed their ego by controlling them and a dying want to feel like a man.

They prefer to look cool and manly in the eyes of friends and society than to follow their heart if they ever were to be in love with an older woman.

According to a research that was carried out and published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Thersphy, relationships in which the woman is at least 10 years older than the man got a lot of positive reviews from the couples themselves, but appears to be in fear of the stigma from outsiders.

There is no doubt that such couples receive a lot of stigma in the society, especially the women who become insecure about their age and aging in general.

I am a strong believer of the statement that says “Age is nothing but a number”. It should not matter if any of the gender involved in a relationship is older than the other, what should matter is the love they feel for each other and how happy they are.

Yes, they can be happiness in such marriages, an example of such is the current president of France Emmanuel Macron, who is 24years younger than his wife, Brigitte Trogneux.

Emmanuel Macron and Brigitte Trogneux

Another example is the Hollywood couple Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling, Eva is six years older than her husband Ryan. The same goes for Hollywood actor Hugh Jackman who is 12 years younger than his longtime wife, Deborra-Lee Furness.

Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling
Hugh Jackman and Deborra-Lee Furness

I know it’s an unwritten society rule that a man should marry a younger woman but I have to ask, who made those rules? Who thought it was a good idea? Why are men actually following it?.

It is definitely okay for a younger man to marry an older woman whose principles, interest and beliefs are the same with his and he should care less about what outsiders think.

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3 Answers

  1. Femi Olornibua
    June 11, 2019 at 1:38 am

    This is interesting but i have some observations to point out to you.

    1 – You have completely excluded or chose to ignore biology. We know the fertility of women decreases the older they get and Evolutionary Biology dictates that a female is most fertile when they are in their prime years. For humans this is between 18 and 25 or 16 and 30 depending on what study you look up.

    For our species to survive through procreation, males and females were encouraged to marry early and have their offspring early.

    An older woman in her 40’s as we know will be prone to so many health risks and in worse cases die during child birth or their children are born with disabilities.
    Since many women desire to have children it is advisable to have them early. But society has gone the route of encouraging women to ignore having children in their fertile years and instead pursue a career while failing to also mention that their biological clock ticks away.

    By the time these women are ready to settle down all the men in their age bracket are married with children. Therefore these women try to settle for younger men who in most cases are struggling themselves and looking for a leg up financially.

    Also as much as love is part of a relationship, one party is likely to always in doubt fearing that the other might leave them for a younger partner someone more attractive in their age group.
    The examples you sighted in your article are a small percentage compared the number of those who tried it and ended up heart broken divorced and distraught.

    Did you know that Hugh Jackman and his wife adopted their two children? Why? Well Deborra suffered two miscarriages.

    2- Our culture and tradition differs from that of the West. You might want to argue that love knows no language but still we are a well cultured society and eroding parts of our culture for the sake of love is ideally not beneficial nor advantageous long term.

    You asked who made these rule and why are men following such rules? I think your question should be why do younger women marry older men?

    1. Linda
      June 11, 2019 at 4:01 am

      It is indeed true that women are more fertile when younger and less fertile with high pregnancy risk when older. But that does not change the fact that marriage is not about bearing children but for companionship. That’s where most people have their misconceptions, we Africans see marriage as an avenue for childbearing that is why marriage between a younger man and an older woman is shunned. If we can understand the fact that marriage is for companionship then “Evolutionary Biology-ness” of a woman will certainly not be a criterion for marriage in our society.

      Surely, you do not mean that the little population of younger men who are married to older women will somehow stop humans from reproducing. There are still a lot of young people who are married and filling the world with humans.

      Science has evolved to the extent that a woman in her late 40’s does not necessarily need to be pregnant to have her own child, there are other solutions like Surrogacy-a situation where another woman carries someone baby, and for women who mostly have high pregnancy risk. I have seen a lot of women in their late 40’s who have successfully given birth to kids at that age. If you say it’s hard for them to conceive there are other means of them conceiving like IUI and IVF. If none of these means works, then adopting a child is not bad either, after all, it’s your child.

      “Did you know that Hugh Jackman and his wife adopted their two children? Why? Well, Deborra suffered two miscarriages.” Your statement here proves my point for me that love suffice in everything we do, I mean since they could not have their own they adopted which is not a bad thing and technically the adopted kids are their kids, being a parent is not about who one is biological related to but the people who raised you. She having a miscarriage can happen to any woman, there is no age for that. Did you know Beyonce suffered from several miscarriages?.

      When people leave someone in a relationship, it’s either because they are cheaters or have lost love for their partner, even young people leave their young lover for someone younger or older. This does not particularly happen only to this set of group but to all. One just has to be confident in any relationship they are in, if one’s lover leavse let them leave.

      But I don’t see what culture has to do with this duo, I mean I am yet to see a culture that clearly states that younger men cannot marry older women, there is no culture in Nigeria that states that. What the culture states, is that before pronounced married, one has to do the needful in terms of traditional marriage. It is not a culture but an unwritten society rule by who knows who. Besides, there are young men that are married to older women in our society today eg. Peter of psquare and his wife Lola. Culture certainly did not stop their marriage from happening, meaning culture is not against it.

      “You asked who made these rule and why are men following such rules? I think your question should be why do younger women marry older men?” Believe me, I would have asked this question if young girls were being bashed for marrying older men, I mean it’s like a norm over here, that’s why I am saying we should keep that same energy for older women marrying young men, let’s support them like we support the vice.

      1. Femi Olornibua
        June 12, 2019 at 4:06 am

        Again you have taken one side of the coin. companionship is secondary to having children and procreating. majority of people who get married do so to procreate. Ions ago this has been the way. If people got married for companionship since time and memorial, our species would not be here today. So companionship is basically second to procreation. Even our creator tells us to go forth and multiply not go forth and have companionship.

        Western civilisation is declining now why because they adopted companionship over having children, so less people are getting married and less are having children and just hooking up and switching partners left right and centre. This applies to both young and old.

        Ideas like these once spread will eventually catch up to society and more people in Africa would start adopting the mindset thereby reducing the population and eventually leaving us open to all sorts. A people’s greatest asset is its population – look at china for example.

        Understood thanks to science a lot of things for women are possible now. These are some of the draw backs, IVF does not always work, it is expensive than adoption. Just because you have seen a lot of women give birth in their late 40s does not make it alright to gamble with not one life but two hers and the baby’s. You still did not take into account the disabilities and issues from childbirth that could arise. Regardless of our medical advancement doctors and medical experts still advise not to have children too late. Currently egg freezing is a thing in the west but unfortunately no one talks about the high risk of it failing and reports have shown many people disappointed after years of freezing eggs when the time comes the result is negative with all that time and effort and money gone. This definitely puts relationships on a rocky rounds.

        Love or companionship? I wasn’t saying the adopted kids are not their kids i was pointing out that she her chances of having her own babies reduced with age and also she suffered the miscarriages possibly due to her low fertility prospects among other things like infections such as rubella and syphillis or smoking and alcohol consumption just to name a few. The science shows that, women who are over 40 years old have a 10 percent chance of miscarriage, in comparison to a 2 percent chance in someone less than 30 years old. I’m glad you brought up Beyonce and she had one miscarriage not several. She was in her later 20’s and at the top of her career with all the busy schedule of a performer. She is notorious for a heavy routing and performing whilst being pregnant who knows what could go wrong.

        Of course relationships come and go that is true but again Young people are not bothered about companionship the way older people are. We know young people jump in and out of relationships faster than you can say the word relationship. For older people they have played the game and lived care free lives in their 20’s and mid 30’s sometimes and finally want to settle down. So dating a younger man who is still in 20’s carries that potential of a split. They might seem to be in the same mindset as the older woman but soon enough we find out they were just using each other for their own selfish desires. There are too many cases that point to this fact when compared to yours sighting Peter from P Square. May i ask what the age difference is between Peter and Lola? I believe culture would be against it but as new generation concerned they either chose to ignore it or pretend about it until after the wedding.

        I’m not sure if you are looking for the ten commandments on our African culture that clearly states in plain simple writings that this is not part of our culture of our for a younger man to be married to an older woman. This you will not find but the idea you need proof before you believe something kinda throws caution to the wind there. Is it written down somewhere in our culture to disrespect our parents or to be homosexual but we know those things are frowned upon by our society and culture.

        I believe young women are being bashed for marrying older men just as much as younger men are shamed for marrying older women. Majority of fathers would not allow their daughters to be married to a man who in certain circumstances might be of the age group as her father. The only time this was prevalent was hundreds of years ago and this was done for Geo political reasons as well as the survival of one’s family.

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